Whose line is it anyway?

Today I am going to keep it light hearted and share a few examples of those real-life silly things people (#we) say without thinking.

To begin, I have to start with my husband!

Unmistakably a true salesman, often I find myself listening to the most oddest of stories – you know, those ones that really make you sleep better at night! Rattling off in the car one day he was referencing something about butchers. Don’t ask me why we were talking about meat, but he got a little wound up and of course the words just rolled off his lips without a second thought:

What a bunch of chops!

Aptly put.

A few weeks later, I get home from work and he was working in our office. In general, we like to spend a few minutes catching up and hearing about each other’s day, connecting a bit, recentering ourselves. But on this day, he requested to complete an important email and it went something like this:

Sorry babe (he shouts from our office), I’m just doing a mail!

Doing a male! I had to hold my tongue.

#gasp

Just a few days ago, our son jumped in the car after school on Friday. Eager to get going with the weekend and catch up on all the news, he begins to tell us about his science and technology test. He’s only 11:

Papa, we learnt about orgasms…

#oh my gosh

Okay keep it together. What he meant was that he was learning about organisms! I’m grateful the doors on the car were locked closed, otherwise we may have rolled out onto the street in hysterics.

Not so long ago, we headed out to visit some family staying on a game reserve. A real treat for us and quite honestly a breath of fresh air. Needless to say, as we drove from the district road through the electric gate and onto the reserve side of the fence I felt a sense of ease, a moment where the weight just lifted off my shoulders and without thinking said:

Whew…I can breathe again!

Well, my husband literally laughed at me. What was so different to the air on the other side of the fence?! The same air that you can see through the electric fence! Yes, maybe I’m just a little special.

So special in fact that not so long ago this statement truly and honestly came out of my mouth, quite profoudly:

We are who we are and together we become!

I will leave that one for you to ponder!

To read or not to read

Have you ever been so excited to open up a new watch, device or piece of equipment eager to get things set-up and running, and linked to the appropriate app? You lay everything out in front of you, carefully putting the box and additional components to one side. And then open the instructions, you know, where to start.

Ok, we know that guys in general disregard anything that looks remotely like small fine print, resembling the common guide of instructions, but normally one would tend to look at them, right?!

Well, on behalf of my husband this morning, I decided to read the particular instructions. They simply indicated a five-step process.

As I read them aloud it went something like this:

  1. Download the app
  2. Push your bike with your right hand while showing off the watch on your left arm
  3. Place a small exercise ball on the side of your body and stretch across to lift it up, making sure your watch arm is the arm that stretches across your body
  4. Skip with a skipping rope
  5. Sit outside with your watch arm parallel to the ground and smile

Seriously, this is the instruction pamphlet:

I wonder!

Is this the new undercover specification manual designed for men?!

Just a rhetorical question!

Tales of a Paramedic

READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL. DO NOT HARBOR OFFENSE.

I have said before that laughter is one of the most natural, cost effective medicines that can cure what doctors can’t, so give this one a chance.

Not so long ago, my husband started rambling in the car around what he thought paramedics said, when treating patients. Of course, being a qualified paramedic myself, I had a good giggle deep down inside because mostly what he said was true (keeping in mind we did not know each other during those years of my life). In reality, some paramedics do say things without realizing what they’ve said. I guess it is a much needed coping mechanism so to say, when dealing with those difficult scenes and patients.

It goes something like this…

Paramedic: This guys a goner.

Patient: What?

Paramedic: Oh crap? You alive!

End.

Paramedic: Damn, you’re not looking so good!

Patient: I dont feel so good!

Heart monitor: Long beep

End.

Paramedic: Holy comoly! That’s the longest intestine I’ve ever seen!

Friends standing around the braai: Dit is net boerewors ou vriend!

End.

Paramedic: I’m so tired of these guys dying on me. It’s my fifth one today.

Patient: (Eyes wide open)

End.

Paramedic: That cheese burger and chips is calling me! Does this look like your arm, it certainly has your colour?

Patient: (Passes out)

End.

Talking about arms, one of my favourite stories has to be my brother-in-law. A devout fireman in his day. Serving his country. Wholeheartedly and full of mischief.

Paramedic: Stop that traffic! I got a man down here.

Fireman: (Grabs the decapitated arm lying a few meters from the vehicle)

Slow down please.

(Waves the arm up and down)

End.

And one of my all time favourite stickers I wanted to design for an ambulance was a sticker that said:

One day when I grow up I want to be a hearse!

Ok that was a bit morbid! But funny nonetheless. Come on admit it, you did have a bit of a laugh?!

Ring for a kiss

This weekend my husband and I decided to do a Park Run and then have a little breakfast before we flew our drones over a beautiful rose farm (#avid drone flyers).

While sitting at our table in the restaurant, we heard a tinkle (although I much prefer the word ping than tinkle), coming somewhere from the kitchen area. It sounded exactly like a reception or call bell.

Just to put you in the picture, when we got married we had a cow bell hanging from a heart shaped board in our reception hall, that said:

Ring for a kiss!

Of course this becomes something of a novelty during our wedding reception. Every now and then the bell would ring (more now than then!), with one of our family or friends gleefully hanging onto the bell and staring in our direction, waiting for a response. Just before we were about to take a bite of food or a sip of our drink, or trying to slip out inconspicuously to the desperately needed bathroom, the bell would ring and of course the bride and groom would have to kiss. It was fun.

Not so long ago, our dear friends also bought us a reception bell in remembrance of them and our wedding. It looks like this:

Today, the cow bell hangs in our bedroom and the reception bell resides in the kitchen. Should my husband ring either bell, he waits by the bell until I come and give him a kiss. And vice versa should I ring the bell. There is only one rule – the kiss must be given as soon after the bell is heard. Either bell can be rung at any time. It really is fun and trust me, certainly helpful in those difficult heated exchange of view type scenarios!

However, let’s get back to the restaurant…

A bell pings in the background while we wait to order and immediately my husband’s face lights up with glee. It seems that as the kitchen orders were ready, the bell would ping. Big smiles. We take it as a sign to kiss. This goes on for a while, sometimes dishing up three kisses at a time! I’m not sure what everyone thought of us, but I’m pretty sure we got some strange glances and head shakes. However, very proud to say I think we got at least fifteen kisses in! lt was indeed fun, even for us adults!

Moral of the story? Life’s short. Make memories. Have moments of laughter and fun. Who cares about what others think, they simply jealous of what you have.

Healthy Fun

Does anyone recall those days back in 2014 when people were nominating each other to down alcohol in substantial quantities, whilst capturing all the footage on video? Of course posting it on a public domain like YouTube for people around the world to access. They became the witnesses to the absolute stupidty that befalls one who is totally inebriated. Back then it was referred to as a Neck Nomination.

Needless to say, I don’t go with the flow, but often find myself swimming against it to explore my own challenges and experiences, following a current less travelled as mentioned in my previous blog Decidingly Decisive

Of course, I got my family together to help and came up with a variation called the Healthy Nek Nomination:

Healthy Nek Nomination

Ok, the video is poor quality but it really is meant to just put a smile on your dial and encourage some good healthy choices!

#Enjoy

Time to wind down

Time to put up your feet, let your hair down (if it’s long enough) and enjoy the wind down towards Christmas time. I thought for this week I would share a few things that would hopefully bring a smile and maybe even a laugh or two!

The most odd thing

One day at work this past year, I walked into the ladie’s bathroom, opened a cubicle only to find this:

Yes, a cucumber wrapper from Woolworths. The expiry date was in the future so it really wasn’t old. It was fresh and only the wrapper remained. Who on earth would go to the bathroom with a cucumber?! I’m certainly not going to share my thoughts on this one, but will leave this explanation totally up to you!

The most ingenious cost effective idea

I couldn’t help but have a little giggle at this one. You know when you have worn in that pair of shoes (in this case a pair of slippers), and it’s time for that new pair, possibly even a bigger size to accommodate those growing feet? But you really don’t want to give up on that old pair? Here’s the most ingenious way to accommodate all the above:

Slit open the toe area. I guess this is no longer just a cost saving mechanism but it also:

  • Allows airflow thereby reducing odour and sweating, and
  • Allows for extra foot length.

So there you have it. No need to throw out those old slippers if they getting too small. Just open up some toe space and tadaa!

The most bizarre brain teaser

In recent months, my husband and I stopped at one of our favourite quick stops in the Midlands. Filled up with petrol, and then to grab a quick cuppa and something to eat. As we drove towards the parking, this is what we saw:

A wheelchair friendly sign, presumably targeting all disabled people. There it stood, made of solid metal. In the middle of a parking bay designated for people in wheelchairs. But just take a good look at the picture. My logic goes something like this:

  1. Before being able to park, one would need to stop the car half way out of the parking space.
  2. Attempt to get out of the car using whatever current means a disabled person uses, without placing oneself in danger of other vehicles.
  3. Move the sign out of the parking bay (looks simple and light enough)!
  4. Get back into the car, without placing oneself in danger of other vehicles again.
  5. Park the car.
  6. Attempt to get out the car again, only to find that this time the ramp is on the passenger side of the car and not the drivers side!

I just don’t know if this is actually worth the effort of the disabled person! I mean I got tired just trying to figure this out by looking at the sign. What an ordeal!

#Sarcasm returns

The most creative

This next one was actually a WhatsApp picture. It really does do justice to our amazing country and outstanding ability to use resources so well:

Here’s the key for interpretation purposes:

  • Arrow pointing left – enter and turn left
  • Arrow pointing right – enter and turn right
  • Arrow pointing up – look up
  • Upside down arrow pointing right – confusion

Based on the above this is my interpretation:

This home has three rooms. Two on the left (Kestell and Bethlehem) and one on the right (Harrismith). A nice sized intimate home for a small family. Sold with the intention of four rooms but only has three. No rates required (as clearly if you look up they give rocks about rates)!

My favourite

Whilst in Zululand we stopped at a quaint café. It had a bit of everything, coupled with some humour, good food, smiles and instructions:

Prepared and served with love. Laugh, eat and love life. Who could have said it any better? One of my favourite sayings I have used before in Sincerely

And that’s where I leave it for this week.

My emoji

Merry Christmas

Once bitten, twice shy

When I was a small child, round about the age of three, I was bitten by our Saint Bernard. A beautiful dog, bigger than I was. I do not recall exactly what happened but I do know, for some reason, I was sitting on his back like I always did and was feeding him a crust of bread. I mean he was such a friendly dog. Dont judge me or my parents, times were different then and I was a real tomboy! Stretching from behind and around the side towards his mouth, hugging and hanging on with my other arm, I fed him this crust of bread. I am not sure what happened, but when I lent forward and around again for a second time, he turned into my face at the same time. Unable to determine who got the fright first, one thing is for sure, he definitely won being on the defensive. All I remember was drool followed by this sharp pain and blood running down my face. I guess we were both caught off guard. I have two small scars to this day as a kind reminder.

Many years later, in September 2014, I found myself running in a suburb called Gallo Manor, in Johannesburg (JHB). Just picture this: The breeze was blowing through my short hair, keeping me nice and cool as the hot sun set in front of me, music in my ears, pace going well. It really was one of those runs where it felt easy and enjoyable. Those are hard to come by!

As one would expect in JHB, I found myself to be more alert and cautious, sticking to routes I knew or constantly looking for easy getaways for that just in case moment. Making sure I wouldn’t land up running in the dark and being an out of towner at that time with lack of knowledge around JHB, I guess that mostly kept me alert as I was simply expecting to be mugged or something. It didn’t matter where, it’s something that I thought was the norm. But of course, nothing is normal for me!

I remember passing a nice gentleman pushing his child in a pram, taking a walk, with his dog tied to the pram on his left hand side. Not thinking about anything other than staying alert, I greeted the man by raising my hand with a small wave gesture and a quick ‘Hi’ timed perfectly as I was breathing out, passing by on his right hand side and ran on.

Instantly debilitated by a sudden sharp pain in my buttocks, I realised something was wrong. My hand instantly grabbed my buttock only to feel ripped flesh and shredded clothes.

The dog had possibly taken my wave gesture as a threat and seemingly turned around in front of the pram and before the owner even knew it, the dog came up from behind and CHOMP!

The child fell out of the pram as the dog jumped to reach by buttock, luckily not hurt. But I was missing a serious chunk out of my buttock. I stopped in my tracks, still not sure what happened, but instinct kicked in. Yes, my instinct could only think about recovering some dignity by gathering what was left of my running shorts. I mean I didn’t even try and run. I didn’t shout. I didn’t scream. I simply covered as much of my buttocks with my shredded shorts and sat down awkwardly on the curb to prevent myself from passing out. Oh the pain!

Anyway, to cut a long story short the gentleman did his best to help. I landed up in casualty and recovered well. But quite honestly, what did I do!? Now I have a scarred buttock to add to my scarred chin and nose. That experience was a bummer! Excuse the pun. So not expecting that.

I guess if you see me staying well away from dogs, this is the reason why. Don’t ask me to come close or to show some affection because it ain’t going to happen. When I am out running now, I walk when I pass a dog and follow it with beady eyes until I am well past. I like my face and buttocks!

So I’m saying, be alert out there, but don’t let it stop you from living and enjoying life!